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Add a little funny to your day! Epic One-Liners!

by on August 24, 2013

1. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone else to blame.

2. I though I wanted a career…turns out I just wanted paychecks.

3. The earlier bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!

4. I don’t drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. Therefore I’m not an alcoholic, I’m spiritual.

5. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness.

6. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole damn box to start a campfire?

7. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

8. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

9. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

10. I discovered that I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark, or if a piece of seaweed brushes my foot.

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